Why We Become Defensive: Understanding and Healing Our Triggers

Why We Become Defensive

I’ve recently been observing a common coping strategy we all have—defensiveness. But why do we become defensive? Trauma experts explain that this behaviour often arises from past experiences, particularly in childhood. When something reminds us of past situations where we felt threatened, our instinct is to raise our guard to prevent a repeat of those experiences. However, if we don’t take a moment to reflect on what makes us feel unsafe and identify our particular triggers, we risk sabotaging future opportunities. What’s particularly interesting about defensiveness is how it manifests in our bodies. We might experience instant tension, a sharpness in our voice, or a sensation of walls going up. It's like having an oversensitive alarm system that sometimes rings even when there's no real danger.

So how do we investigate our triggers?

The first step is to bring yourself to a state of calmness where clarity naturally emerges. This could be through breathing exercises or meditation, or for some, it's a mindful walk in nature or gentle stretching - whatever your mindful practices are. In this state, we become more receptive to understanding our behavioural patterns and responses, allowing us to explore our triggers with curiosity rather than judgment.

Once in this calmer state, we can use our inner compass to guide us through past events that remind us of emotions triggered by recent events. This is where the real investigation begins. What exactly triggered the defensive response? What emotions came up? What past experiences share that same emotional signature? Once we've located the origin of the trigger, we can then use various methods to release the emotions and allow the intensity to dissolve. My favourite method is EFT tapping, and here's a sequence I find particularly effective for working with defensive patterns:

First, identify the intensity of your emotional response on a scale of 0-10, where 10 is the most intense. Take a moment to tune into your body and notice how strong the defensive feeling is right now. Write down this number.

Setup Statement (tapping on the karate chop point):

"Even though I feel defensive when (specific trigger), and my body tenses up to protect me, I deeply and completely accept how I'm feeling."

"Even though this reminds me of (past experience), and my younger self needed this protection, I'm safe now to respond differently."

"Even though it's hard to stay open when I feel criticised, I choose to respond with curiosity instead of defense."

Tapping Sequence:

(Tap each point while saying these phrases)

Eyebrow: "This defensive feeling in my body..."

Side of Eye: "All these old protective patterns..."

Under Eye: "Remembering how I needed these defenses..."

Under Nose: "But I'm safe now to respond differently..."

Chin: "Releasing the need to defend against everything..."

Collarbone: "Choosing to stay open and curious..."

Under Arm: "Letting go of old protective patterns..."

Top of Head: "I'm safe to respond with wisdom now..."

After completing the sequence, check in with your intensity level again. If it's not yet at 0, continue tapping using phrases that address any remaining emotional charge. You might notice new aspects or memories emerging - include these in your tapping phrases. Keep going with multiple rounds until you feel the intensity has dropped to 0 or a level that feels completely manageable. Remember to tune into any specific memories or sensations that arise during the tapping and create phrases that speak directly to your experience. This process isn't about forcing change - it's about creating space for new patterns to emerge naturally.

Through this work, we can begin to transform our defensive reactions into thoughtful responses. Each time we pause to investigate rather than immediately defend, we're creating new possibilities for growth and connection.

When to seek professional help

While self-exploration and techniques like EFT can be powerful tools for self-healing and growth, sometimes we need additional support especially when working with complex or highly charged memories. If you find yourself overwhelmed by emotions during this process, or if certain triggers feel too intense to approach on your own, this is a perfect time to reach out to a professional who can hold space for your healing journey.

A certified practitioner/therapist can:

- Guide you safely through challenging emotions

- Help guide you back to calmness when emotions get too overwhelming

- Offer professional support when memories feel too overwhelming to process alone

- Help you establish healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms

Acceptance is crucial for healing. It’s important to recognise that our defenses once served a purpose—they protected us when we needed it most. Now we can choose new responses that align better with our current reality and support our future growth. This process is not about criticism or forcing change but rather, it's about understanding ourselves and allowing natural transformation to take place.